It's Crystal Ball Time

With the new Premier League season less than twenty four hours from kick off, it’s about time I looked into my crystal ball and made some predictions. So here goes, month by month.

August: After thrashing both Norwich and Swansea 5-0, Wigan storm to the top of the Premier League with fans determined that this season will be theirs’. After a shaky start and a 3-0 defeat to West Brom, Alex Ferguson is worried and orders his scouts to find a like for like replacement for Paul Scholes. When he heard his scouts had came back with a ginger central midfielder with an eye for a simple pass, Fergie was delighted. He was a little more concerned when it turned out to be Ben Watson. In a similar scouting exercise, Martinez replaced Watson with their fan of the year for the last 10 seasons, Darren Orme. Wigan promptly lose 4-1 to QPR and fans are fearing a relegation battle once more.

September: With United struggling for form and Wayne Rooney banned for six months due to allegations about a long term affair with Will Young, Fergie looks to Gary Neville to provide the firepower. It turns out to be a shrewd decision, with United beating Chelsea 4-0 thanks to a Neville hat trick and a strike from loanee Mauro Boselli. Following that defeat, Chelsea sack Andres Villas-Boas despite being four points clear at the top of the league. The goalless Fernando Torres is sent out on loan to Cheltenham to find some form but returns after just one game because ‘there’s nowhere to buy alice bands in Cheltenham.’

October: With Blackburn dead last in the Premier League, Steve Kean is sacked and Big Sam is reinstated as manager at Ewood Park. His first move is to bring Kevin Nolan back with him from West Ham despite the transfer market being shut, as a result he has to wait until January to sign the entire Bolton Wanderers squad from 2007. Meanwhile, Delia Smith introduces a new idea to increase the amount of players per team from eleven to twelve, proclaiming: ‘We need a twelve man, where are you? Let’s be ‘avin you.’ Needless to say the idea is rejected by the FA.

November: By November, Wigan are slipping down the table without a win in six, injuries hit the squad hard and with Darren Orme the only remaining fit midfielder; Roberto Martinez decides to bring himself out of retirement and partner himself in midfield with new arrival Joey Barton. When interviewed about his latest signing, Dave Whelan claimed ‘He’s my kind of player, he didn’t cost us a penny.’ With Martinez’s man of the match performance against Wolves earning Wigan a 2-1 away win, there’s speculation about an international call up. This speculation is quickly extinguished when Jordi Gomez takes the final spot in Spain’s midfield ahead of Martinez.

December: Not even the Christmas spirit could lighten the mood on Tyneside as Newcastle mourn the loss of yet another sacked manager. Despite being surprise Champions League contenders in fourth place, Mike Ashley decides that ‘twelve months in charge is far too long for a manager and it’s time for a change.’ Joe Kinnear is reinstated as Newcastle boss and starts his reign with a 4-1 defeat to Norwich. Yet the Canaries are deducted three points for going against Premier League rules and playing twelve players for the fixture, Delia Smith just won’t give up with her insane new idea. Everton are bottom at Christmas, yet David Moyes insists there’s nothing to worry about as the Toffees are just ‘biding their time for a late surge into Europe.’

January: The transfer gossip is rife again and this means the old can of worms regarding Carlos Tevez is opened once more. Owen Coyle persuades the striker to move to the Reebok after stating that ‘Bolton is very close to Argentina and he’ll be very close to his family... in Manchester.’ Bolton don’t pay a transfer fee but promise to pay all of Mario Balotelli’s parking tickets in return. This is a crippling financial blow as by March, Garside has no choice but to sell the Reebok Stadium to the council who demolish it immediately; Wanderers are forced to ground share with Burscough Athletic as a result. Liverpool continue their tradition of paying triple the required amount to land English players by taking Ben Watson off United’s hands for £3 million, they follow this up with the signing of Teddy Sheringham to ‘provide experience up front.’ Finally, Martinez sends Mauro Boselli out on loan to Macclesfield insisting that ‘after one more loan spell he’ll be ready for top flight football.’

February: Everton finally sack David Moyes after 13 games without a win and reappoint Joe Royle who decides to hire relative Jim Royle as his assistant; being an avid Liverpool fan this causes uproar amongst the Everton faithful and sparks more riots on Merseyside. All Everton’s games are called off in February as a result, when asked about his thoughts on the matter, Joe stated: ‘I think it’s great, this month has been our longest unbeaten run of the season' whilst Jim states 'Riots? Relegation? My arse!' Elsewhere, with his new look team of Bolton oldies, Big Sam’s Blackburn win all of their games this month, firing themselves up to the dizzy heights of 17^th.

March: Alex Ferguson sues the Daily Mail as he claims to be the victim of phone hacking, the headline in the Mail the next day reads ‘FERGUSON IN HOWARD WEBB BRIBERY SHOCKER.’ The Sun responds by announcing ‘BARROW AFC FAIL WITH BID TO SIGN MESSI.’ Both headlines turn out to be correct, so you can’t knock either paper for reliability I suppose. Following Tevez’s departure, Man City struggle for form and Roberto Mancini is sacked following a 3-0 defeat to Bolton, in which Gretar Steinsson scores a hat trick. City carry on this season’s theme of appointing former managers as Kevin Keegan returns to the helm.

April: Newcastle sack Joe Kinnear and start their pursuit of Kevin Keegan, despite joining City just days earlier, Keegan accepts Mike Ashley’s offer of ‘we’ll keep you for as long as you rant at Fergie.’ After failing to land Joe Royle, City appoint Liam Gallagher as Keegan’s replacement. Gallagher sparks uproar as he releases Sergio Aguero with the reasoning of ‘his hair is too girly.’ City end the month with a 3-0 win over Man Utd in the derby to heat up the title race, with Gallagher stating he’ll ‘Love it if we beat them, love it!’ in a heated rant directed at Alex Ferguson and Man Utd.

May: Come what May, Man Utd are crowned champions again with a win over Sunderland on the final day. United claim a 4-0 victory with former players Wes Brown, John O’Shea, Kieron Richardson and Phil Bardsley all scoring mysterious own goals. Gary Neville thought he’d bagged the Golden Boot with an impressive 45 goals, but a hat trick on the final day meant that he missed out to 47 goal Emile Heskey. At the bottom, a last minute winner from Darren Orme earned Wigan a 1-0 win over Wolves and Premier League survival once again. The watching Fabio Capello was clearly impressed and rewarded Orme with a place in his Euro 2012 squad. Even the Royles’ best efforts couldn’t save Everton from an unlikely relegation, they were joined in the bottom three by Blackburn and Fulham. Yet Fulham are saved by the FA’s decision to relegate Swansea by default because ‘It’d be wrong to have a Welsh team in the Premier League.'

End of Season Awards 2011/12

Golden Boot: Emile Heskey, 47 goals

PFA Players’ Player of the Season: Gary Neville, Man Utd

Surprise Package: Aston Villa, fuelled by Heskey’s goals, manage a fifth place finish

Disappointment of the season: Everton’s surprise relegation and neighbours Liverpool, despite spending £100 million, fail to make the top 10.

The Problem With The Music Industry

Listening to the radio is fast becoming a thankless everyday task which you'd prefer not to endure but sometimes, the pain is just unavoidable. Like seeing a plumber's arse crack, standing on a plug or being stabbed.

There was once a time where you could turn on the radio and actually hear music which wouldn't make Mozart turn in his grave, the talentless junk that litters the radios of today and attacks your ears like a parasite is simply beyond a joke.

The greatest issue I have with the artists in the charts is that they're not musically talented in the slightest. They can't play an instrument and they can't sing to save their lives, think Rebecca Black, N-Dubz, Chipmunk...

People may make the point, well after the singing's been autotuned to death and a simple bass line from 'Garage Band for Dummies Volume 1' has been installed, the song sounds good even if it requires little talent.

The fact is, it doesn't.

It sounds so bad in fact, that it makes my ears bleed. I'm a firm believer that people should only gain respect and be recognised for what they're good at, singing into a computer like a drowning cat on crack cocaine and then autotuning it to make it sound like you can sing isn't talented, it's cheating. Earning a living off cheating and attempting to gain money from something you're incompetent at is quite frankly fraud and I'm not an avid believer that fraud is the way the music industry should be going.

It makes sense though, because being incredibly judgmental and prejudiced; I'd guess the likes of Dappy have got far more ASBOs and criminal offences to their name than they have qualifications in music.

Furthermore, the fraudsters are so lacking in musical flair and creativity that they can't even create their own music, they have to steal what's been done before, and it's not even subtle. Let me give you an example. I'm sure, like me, you've had the misfortune to have heard LMFAO's terrible 'song' titled 'Party Rock Anthem'. If you're lucky enough to have not, here it is:

Listen to the melody at 2:24, don't you think it sounds a little like that from the song 'No Speak Americano' by 'Yolanda Be Cool'?

Fast forward to 0:48 and you'll hear what I mean, I think they're a little but too similar to be a mere coincidence. In fact, 'Party Rock Anthem' is just 'No Speak Americano' in a wig and a false mustache, nice try, but it was a poor attempt.

It's not just that, but the lyrics are terrible and have obviously been written by someone with the lyrical skill of a five year old and the musical diversity of a bluebottle. For example, 'Party rockers in the house tonight, Everybody just have a good time.' and 'Everyday I'm shuffling.' Genius, just genius, that's all I'm going to say.

Yet it doesn't end there either...

Take Katy Perry's newest song titled: 'ET' featuring Kanye West, those of you with no so short memories might realise it sounds a little like a song by Russian Lesbians 't.A.T.u' names 'All The Things She Said'. If you haven't heard it, take a listen, the resemblance is frightening, I think anyway, especially the choruses.

Does nobody else's ears bleed at the start of E.T due to the tedious synths and terrible lyrics where Kanye West rhymes 'ways' with 'Milkyway'? Oh dear.

I could think up of countless other examples, Chris Brown's 'Yeah 3X' sounds so much like Calvin Harris' 'I'm Not Alone' that Calvin should be named as a co writer to Brown's pathetic copy and Brown should be locked up in the jail of music forever for attacking the nation's poor ear drums. it makes a change from attacking Rihanna I suppose.

Also, one of the top comments on the video to 'E.T' is a gentle reminder as to why I hate the charts, with a few desperate links to songs that would struggle to attain a 1 out of 10. here it is in all its glory: 

Bruno Mars had a Grenade, and Tiao Cruz had Dynamite, so they both threw them at Katy Perry who exploded like a Firework. The bang was so loud that the Black Eyed Peas forgot The Time, while Rihanna had memory loss and ran around saying Whats My Name. Eminem looked around and said Im Not Afraid then Willow Smith began to Wip Her Hair, which started a Far East Movement. They then crashed their G6 into a club and stopped Party Rocking. Luckily for Nelly it was all Just a Dream.

And that my friends, is why the music industry is the truly embarrassing mess we find it in today, but it's not all bad, oh no.

Music nowadays no gives us all hope that one day we might earn a hell of a lot of money out of a something we're actually incredibly bad at, thanks to the invention of computers. To take advantage of this, I'm now going to video myself playing the guitar and then photoshop myself doing it whilst juggling and rollerskating down a hill, which are three things I'm not very good at. Then I'll send it into Britain's Got Talent and earn a packet. Isn't fraud brilliant?

The Art of Abbreviations

It's not too hard to find fundamental issues with the English language if you search a little below the surface, and one way to improve it in a convenient and light hearted manor is to create your own words basically, via the art of abbreviations (abbrevies).

To some, the thought of such an idea is nonsensical and pointless. Personally, I'm of the opinion that they're creative, smart, intelligent and utterly brilliant.

This is a simple way of personalizing the English language yourself with everyday phrases, and it's brilliant fun.

For example, words that are a bit of a mouthful like 'achievement' and 'underestimated' can easily be shortened down to 'achevvy' and 'underezzied'.

The spell check on here is going crazy by the way with all these abbrevies, and there another red jagged line has appeared...

Lets be honest, dropping random words that nobody else knows the meaning of into an everyday sentence is pretty cool, and also makes you feel superior to them in a way as they try and get their head around simple phrases such as 'I dunna reck if I'm hon'. The confusion on their face is truly brilliant.

The aforementioned phrase has been created by shortening words that aren't even a mouthful to make them quicker to say and make simple phrases roll off the tongue. The full phrase in standard, boring English is 'I do not reckon if I am honest.' Be hon, you read that in a posh accent, didn't you?

This whole process should be treated as nothing more than a lighthearted bit of humour and nothing too serious, yet look around and abvrevvies are all over the place, littering society with the utter pointlessness.

Simple examples include everyday nouns such as 'pub', 'PC' and 'loo' which are used instead of their full names of 'public house', 'personal computer' and 'lavatory' respectively.

This shows that abbrevies are part of everyday life and without them the English language would be far less convenient and would sound very different.

For example words such as 'won't', 'don't' and 'can't' are all abbreviations commonly used to shorten terms like 'will not', 'do not' and 'cannot'. These abbreviations have been accepted into society because they are convenient, simple and speed up the process of an everyday sentence. Yet if you thought my abbrevies were stupid, then technically these are just as bad.

For starters, why is an apostrophe needed? It's utterly pointless. The apostrophe is there is indicate that at least one letter is missing from the phrase. For example, 'don't' is missing an 'n' and an 'o' from its original form 'do not'. What is the point in stating that a letter or two isn't there? I think it would be quite clear from the word 'dont' that there are letters missing from the term 'do not' hence why it reads 'dont' instead of 'do not'. it's common sense.

If this logic was consistently used in life there would be apostrophes in the FIFA headquarters stating that there was once a non-corrupt, competent leader and now there is not, only Sepp Blatter. The same theory would mean apostrophes would be found in the charts, stating there was once tolerable and reasonably talented music here, now it is missing and we have the displeasure of listening to N-Dubz making us cringe until you stab your ears to the state of deafness. Or simply turn off the radio, whichever is easiest.

The problems don't end there as the abbreviations aren't even technically correct. Can anyone explain to me how 'won't' is a shortened version of 'will not'? Surely, based on the rules that create 'don't' and 'can't', it would be 'willn't' instead of 'won't'?

The whole process doesn't make sense and means that sentences that contain the original term in its full form 'will not' appear not to make sense.

Say the phrase: 'Won't you shut up?' and it seems perfectly plausible, yet repeat it in its form of inception: 'Will not you shut up?' and it appears to be total nonsense, simply because nobody says it that way anymore and the abbreviation is nothing like the original.

'Do not you want to go and get some dope Leroy?'

The same applies for the terms 'Do not you want to go?' and 'Can not you go?'

That brings the thought of a mindless, drunk chav starting on one of their victims and intimidatingly asking, 'Do not you want to go?' That would be classic.

Abbreviations are also used to create hidden or secret nouns for certain items, this is obviously so nobody listening knows the topic of subject. This is commonly used in the world of drugs as terms such as 'Cannabis' tern into 'weed', 'puff' and 'dope'. Technically, these are more substitutes than abbreviations, yet their existence is still for a similar achevvy.

My point is, as silly as the logic of 'abbrevies' might be and how unbelievably crap some of them might sound, they have been accepted as a part of modern day language through the process of word of mouth where the habit has spread.

The most successful ones are used on a daily basis and aren't seen as abbreviations but an official term. Ask people if they want to go to the 'public house' and they'll look at you with a tilted head and crumpled eyebrows in a look of confusion; yet ask them if the want to go to the 'pub' and I'm sure they'll know what you're on about immediately.

What I would encourage anyone to do is be creative and create as many confusing and pointless abbrevies as possible to add to the English language's infinite collection. That way you're contributing to society in your own little confusing and pointless way. Like an MP I suppose.

Maybe one day I'll create an abbrevy dictionary, publishing my genius breakthrough in language to the whole world. Would it be a hit? I reck if I'm hon, obvs.

How I've Been Put Off Parenting For Life

Recently, I've been given the shock of my life and realised through the medium of frustration and fear that being a parent would be the most painful experience imaginable. How? By watching a few episodes of Outnumbered.

Although previously I was never really considering becoming a parent anytime soon and at no point did it look easy; my feelings on parenthood have now gone into a stage of depression and will take plenty of rehabilitation. At least 20 years.

Although Outnumbered is an excellent sitcom displaying the everyday hardships of a modern day family, it does have its down sides. How can this make parenting appealing to anyone?

Don't get me wrong, I love the show. I think that the children particularly are hilarious, especially Karen and Ben, whose incredibly pedantic approach to life makes even the simplest of tasks almost impossible. The older child though, Jake, seems less annoying to me and more boring. He should be kicked off the show immediately on the grounds of not being a total immature gimp and making children seem slightly tolerable.

If at any point in my life I'm stuck with a monster of a seven year old boy like Ben, I will be caused to kill someone. Either myself or the child.

I'm not joking (sort of) because everything that child does in any of the episodes is just plain annoyance and this is credit to the actor I suppose. A good sitcom should be judged by the genuine emotions it brings out of the reader and during one episode of Ben's actions alone, I experienced anger, frustration, depression and near insanity. Near, not total.

The reaction's of the parents is also brilliant as I'm sure parents across the nation watching the show will nod in approval of how typically painful the lives of the parents are. This is extremely realistic, I know this because I can remember my parents' reactions to me as a child, and they were generally in frustration. And to be fair I wasn't even a particularly bad child, just an annoying little bugger.

Although the show gave me great entertainment, it did become painful to watch after about three episodes due to the aforementioned sins against the basic human right of not being driven into suicidal mode by hyper lunatics (that, by the way, still isn't a 100% official human right just yet).

That got me thinking into how we could manage the problem as a nation, and I gained inspiration from China's 'one baby policy' whereby each couple can only have one child each.

This turned out to be unsustainable for many reasons, yet I have made an advance on the policy to make it utterly sustainable. Change it to a no child policy!

I'm sure you'll agree, that this is a flawless plan and literally nothing can go wrong.

If no children are being born, then the population is decreasing. People are always moaning about how an exponential increase in population is leading to a lack of resources and higher pollution levels amongst other things, my new theory of a solution would solve this problem majorly.

Secondly, a criticism of China's idea was that only boys were in demand as children because they could continue the family name and gain better jobs; leaving numerous baby girls abandoned, aborted or put up for adoption. This problem would also be avoided with my 'no child plan' as there would be no children to choose from, so no body is aborted or left homeless to die. This will no doubt keep the Samaritans happy and in favour of my idea.

A third advantage, amongst the infinite number of plus points, is that adults can actually life their own lives without worrying about children.

They're always complaining about how much better their lives would be in the absence of chidren, well this is their chance to prove it by spending their hard earned cash on themselves and themselves only, they might even find time to donate some to charity.

I don't know what my parents were like before the hand children because, well I wasn't born; and I don't want to ask them in case they realise that actually their lives back them were far more interesting and end up kicking me out as a result.

Yet I imagine they had far more freedom and spare cash to treat themselves with.

Actually, on second thoughts, with no children to spend money on, I imagine my Dad put all his money in a 10,000% interest ISA which can't be touched for a million years until it 'matures'. This may seem utterly pointless, yet it would provide an income for any aliens that plan to invade earth after we are gone.

So I have proved that by not having any children, Britain can save the world, potentially. Population increase would disappear along with all its problems; less children will be abandoned and lastly we'll save little baby aliens that hatch on earth in a million years time. If that's not sustainable planning, I don't know what is.

That, in a nutshell, is why I will never ever be Prime Minister.

That and the fact I'm not an ugly, middle aged fat ogre like previous Prime Ministers, such as Margaret Thatcher.

Why Overplay Is The Greatest Musical Sin

Having listened to 'Fast Fuse' by Kasabian already today as I was watching the slightly less boring than usual tennis; I couldn't possibly listen to it again for at least another 24 hours.

It may sound like I'm the ambassador of the OCD Members' Society, but I cannot bear to listen to the same song more than once a day. It's like the thought of having two bowls of cereal a day, it's just not right.

This 'rule' of which I must obey is to avoid the greatest musical sin: overplay.

Music is like prostitutes. Good the first time, but they slowly deteriorate for whatever reason with excess use.

It's the same with films as well, watch them too often and the appeal is just lost. Like visiting the same holiday destination year after year; like eating the same meals day after day; like being an accountant. Life can easily become monotone and quite boring, look at John Prescott for proof.

If the same song is replayed often it must be popular for whatever reason. Lets take 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon for example. A good song, but it was regurgitated more than a bulimic's dinner by constant overplay.

The song now has over 37 million YouTube hits. This is simply far too many and the song has now lost any musical novelty and has almost became a cliche. The band have even been quoted saying that they don't like the album 'Only by the Night' anymore, due to the constant playing of the singles. Turn on the radio and within minutes I think you could find a station playing 'Sex on Fire' or 'Use Somebody'.

This is why I'm happy that my favourite songs aren't in the charts.

My favourite tracks include 'Making Up Numbers'; 'Veiled in Grey' and 'Shake Me Down'. You may not have heard of any of them, and that's brilliant, because that means the radio probably hasn't either.

I am sort of grateful now that chart music is full of talentless rubbish that makes my ears bleed because never mind how much I hear it, it can't get any worse.

I'll go back to my prostitute analogy and represent this with a disabled hooker whose face has been burnt off with a blow torch. Never mind how much they're used, it can't really get any worse.

In comparison, I'm glad my Indie Swedish pornstar with long blond locks and double Ds isn't in the charts. That way she won't deteriorate with time and be thrown on the music scrapheap of 'heard that, incredibly repetitive, got the t-shirt'.

I feel for bands such as Kings of Leon, Arctic Monkeys and the likes, because they've been punished for making great records because they've been ruined by DJs with the musical variety of a Spandau Ballet tribute band.

In short, to keep your favourite songs your favourite: never listen to the radio and never listen to your ipod. Keep the songs in a little safe box and revisit them every few months as a treat, like a bottle of vintage Rose.

During the mean time, I've only got 21 hours and 36 minutes until the one day deadline has passed and I can listen to Kasabian again. Tic. Toc...

Why Glastonbury Should Be A Total Waste of Time

Glastonbury Festival marks the start of festival season, so grab your tents and wellies and get ready for a spot of camping.

Music festivals are undoubtedly great fun and provide on-a-budget teens with an alternative to jetting off to Ibiza and driving themselves into more debt. What's not to love?

Yet try explaining to an alien who's never heard of Glastonbury before the attractions of a music festival, and you'd sound like an idiot.

First of all: camping.

Camping, whichever way you look at it, isn't fun. If it was, we'd all live in tents and Millets would be the richest company on earth. It isn't, so it's not.

On holiday, you can enjoy the luxuries of a hotel, apartment or villa and spend time sunbathing by the pool, it's easy to teach an alien the attractions of this; yet crapping in a bucket and walking knee deep in mud with a tent to sleep in that's as comfortable as being stabbed; that sounds less luxurious to me.

And it doesn't end there, at each music festival, people come away with not only muddy wellies and a wet tent, but with the shame that in a drunken jamming session with an acoustic guitar (or even worse, a ukulele) you have singlehandedly ruined a classic. Wonderwall by Oasis is a regular victim.

People also say, 'It'll be great to meet new people.' Yet the people you meet are usually drug addicts that pray to a God called Kurt Cobain and the prophet Pete Doherty. Most of them are idiots frankly, that waste their money on crack and throw their piss filled bags into the crowd, where they invariably land on your head.

If, by any chance you meet people that you don't class as idiots, then leave immediately. You are the idiot.

The worst by far though, is the hippies.

The usually tranquil settings of the Cotwolds and Somerset are invaded by the thieving little gypos every year, and residents spend the rest of the year clearing up after the mess the greasy inbreds make; call me stereotypical but have you ever met a classy gypo? No, you haven't, because they don't exist.

"I don't want to play Glastonbury on the Sunday night in the pouring rain, which is what The Who did last year. I was watching it on the telly, and my kids were there. I'm on the phone saying 'it's awful'. The said it was really fun, but it didn't look fun to me." Mick Jagger

I reiterate my previous point of how unappealing music festivals should be, yet they're not all bad obviously hence why people spend so much money going back year after year.

The thrill of seeing your favourite band and yelling at the top of your voice is obviously an attractive one, even if you look like an idiot. This doesn't matter though because, as previously stated, you're surrounded by idiots, so nobody really cares.

Seeing the likes of Oasis, Led Zeppelin or Blur must leave the crowd speechless and in awe, like a religious experience, only real obviously.

Despite the downsides, music festivals are here to stay it would seem.

So get yourself down to Millets, purchase a ukulele and join in with the spirit, even buy a Volkswagen camper and grow dreadlocks if you really want. Just don't become a gypo, there's enough already.

Looking forward to it?

Why the Queen is to Blame For Global Warming

Recently my whole daily routine was thrown into a planet unknown. Now it's the summer, I usually get up at about midday and fail to sleep until the early hours, this may be alien thought to many people who know what the 'morning' is. Personally, I've forgotten.

Last Thursday, I got up earlier than usual, only an important event such as Geography revision yielded such respect to interrupt my lie in. Anyway, to my shock and disbelief, I found that my house had lost power totally.

This was probably due to some electrician deciding that his monotone job of staring at light bulbs and overcharging middle aged women for poking a fuse box was starting to get boring. To make his day more exciting, he'd dig a hole in the middle of my road, as a result killing all electricity flow. Joy.

This made me sympathize with the electrician, I was equally as bored as he always is because I had nothing to do.

Literally, I imagine watching a game of cricket would be more fun than staring at all these wonderful appliances I'm so used to using whenever I pleased, yet realizing that none of them work.

Yet it wasn't just entertainment that was difficult, oh no. The inconsiderate man had also tampered with routine, I had no energy to heat water to have a shower and none to make a morning brew either. This was meddling with a man's basic human rights.

I had to improvise of course. Firstly, I couldn't wash my hair in the shower because I had no hot water, and I wasn't going to turn myself into a massive block of ice by risking the sub zero shower. I wouldn't want to give the electrician the satisfaction.

So I decided to put the shampoo in my hair, then stick my head under a tap, that way only my head would be cold. Not an ideal scenario, but beggars can't be choosers, can they?

There I was, feeling all smug and satisfied that I'd hurdled another daily obstacle. Yet I was stood half naked in my bathroom with my hair dripping yet, and only then did it occur to me that my hairdryer wouldn't work. Great.

This process of one problem solved leading to another problem carried on throughout the morning, which I wasn't too happy about.

I was staring at my computer wishing it would just work, how could I go more than three hours without checking my Facebook? I hear you ask...

The whole morning got me thinking about what it must be like to live as a caveman without electricity, or in Stoke-on-Trent where it's yet to be discovered. It made me realise what a hard life these unfortunate people must have lived.

This is why I hate all this 'global warming' paranoia, and I'll explain why.

Above: Bill Oddie's Biggest Threat

Narrow minded people, such as Jeremy Clarkson and the Queen; that only think about cars and how long it is until butler brings another pot of tea, respectively, use an awful lot of energy without much of a thought for global warming.

Cars are being blamed as the greatest CO2 emitters, and as I found out, even fundamental basic jobs like making tea uses up energy and therefore fossil fuels.

Personally, I disagree with the views of people like Jeremy and Queeny who are ignorant and can't see the damage they're doing, yet I disagree with people like Bill Oddie more.

The Devil, in human form

I'm sure if David Attenbrough and that pesky electrician could have watched me struggle to towel dry my hair last Thursday due to my absence of electricity, they'd both snigger in great satisfaction at my misfortune.

Other narrow minded people, like the two aforementioned naturists, sorry naturalists; that believe that the only way to save the planet is to live like cavemen, or Stokies, are incarnations of the devil.

They think that the only sustainable way of living on earth is to abandon our great advances in technology and live lifes with no consumption of energy at all. I lived a morning in this manor and let me tell you, it isn't fun.

For instance, the only two devices of entertainment I had were my ipod and mobile phone. These were only available to me because they'd been previously charged up with electricity. I'd have been more bored than Jack Osbourne in the house of commons without those two saviors.

If Bill Oddie had his way, I'd live this way all the time; my carbon footprint would be lower than the average IQ of a Yorkshire farmer and my entertainment levels would be equal to a tree's.

My point is, we should embrace our technology. We have cars that can go 200 mph, why not use them? We have great sources of entertainment like the ipod and computer, why not use them?

If saving the planet means going back to an electricity free era where humans merely exist and don't live, it isn't my idea of fun. I'm sure my grandchildren would gladly die due to global warming if they know it means I get access to a kettle and a hairdryer.

This my friends, is why global warming should be treated as nothing more than a light hearted bit of government banter. Drive your Range Rovers and dry your hair as often as possible with a warm hearted feeling that you're really doing Bill Oddie's head in.

If you really want to make yourself useful, make a kettle that runs off solar energy, this way the Queen's reputation as the 'earth killer' can be shaken off easily.

Meanwhile, I'm typing this whilst knowing I'm paying the wages of that scummy electrician with every minute's worth of electricity I use. Time to switch suppliers I reckon.