The Problem With The Music Industry

Listening to the radio is fast becoming a thankless everyday task which you'd prefer not to endure but sometimes, the pain is just unavoidable. Like seeing a plumber's arse crack, standing on a plug or being stabbed.

There was once a time where you could turn on the radio and actually hear music which wouldn't make Mozart turn in his grave, the talentless junk that litters the radios of today and attacks your ears like a parasite is simply beyond a joke.

The greatest issue I have with the artists in the charts is that they're not musically talented in the slightest. They can't play an instrument and they can't sing to save their lives, think Rebecca Black, N-Dubz, Chipmunk...

People may make the point, well after the singing's been autotuned to death and a simple bass line from 'Garage Band for Dummies Volume 1' has been installed, the song sounds good even if it requires little talent.

The fact is, it doesn't.

It sounds so bad in fact, that it makes my ears bleed. I'm a firm believer that people should only gain respect and be recognised for what they're good at, singing into a computer like a drowning cat on crack cocaine and then autotuning it to make it sound like you can sing isn't talented, it's cheating. Earning a living off cheating and attempting to gain money from something you're incompetent at is quite frankly fraud and I'm not an avid believer that fraud is the way the music industry should be going.

It makes sense though, because being incredibly judgmental and prejudiced; I'd guess the likes of Dappy have got far more ASBOs and criminal offences to their name than they have qualifications in music.

Furthermore, the fraudsters are so lacking in musical flair and creativity that they can't even create their own music, they have to steal what's been done before, and it's not even subtle. Let me give you an example. I'm sure, like me, you've had the misfortune to have heard LMFAO's terrible 'song' titled 'Party Rock Anthem'. If you're lucky enough to have not, here it is:

Listen to the melody at 2:24, don't you think it sounds a little like that from the song 'No Speak Americano' by 'Yolanda Be Cool'?

Fast forward to 0:48 and you'll hear what I mean, I think they're a little but too similar to be a mere coincidence. In fact, 'Party Rock Anthem' is just 'No Speak Americano' in a wig and a false mustache, nice try, but it was a poor attempt.

It's not just that, but the lyrics are terrible and have obviously been written by someone with the lyrical skill of a five year old and the musical diversity of a bluebottle. For example, 'Party rockers in the house tonight, Everybody just have a good time.' and 'Everyday I'm shuffling.' Genius, just genius, that's all I'm going to say.

Yet it doesn't end there either...

Take Katy Perry's newest song titled: 'ET' featuring Kanye West, those of you with no so short memories might realise it sounds a little like a song by Russian Lesbians 't.A.T.u' names 'All The Things She Said'. If you haven't heard it, take a listen, the resemblance is frightening, I think anyway, especially the choruses.

Does nobody else's ears bleed at the start of E.T due to the tedious synths and terrible lyrics where Kanye West rhymes 'ways' with 'Milkyway'? Oh dear.

I could think up of countless other examples, Chris Brown's 'Yeah 3X' sounds so much like Calvin Harris' 'I'm Not Alone' that Calvin should be named as a co writer to Brown's pathetic copy and Brown should be locked up in the jail of music forever for attacking the nation's poor ear drums. it makes a change from attacking Rihanna I suppose.

Also, one of the top comments on the video to 'E.T' is a gentle reminder as to why I hate the charts, with a few desperate links to songs that would struggle to attain a 1 out of 10. here it is in all its glory: 

Bruno Mars had a Grenade, and Tiao Cruz had Dynamite, so they both threw them at Katy Perry who exploded like a Firework. The bang was so loud that the Black Eyed Peas forgot The Time, while Rihanna had memory loss and ran around saying Whats My Name. Eminem looked around and said Im Not Afraid then Willow Smith began to Wip Her Hair, which started a Far East Movement. They then crashed their G6 into a club and stopped Party Rocking. Luckily for Nelly it was all Just a Dream.

And that my friends, is why the music industry is the truly embarrassing mess we find it in today, but it's not all bad, oh no.

Music nowadays no gives us all hope that one day we might earn a hell of a lot of money out of a something we're actually incredibly bad at, thanks to the invention of computers. To take advantage of this, I'm now going to video myself playing the guitar and then photoshop myself doing it whilst juggling and rollerskating down a hill, which are three things I'm not very good at. Then I'll send it into Britain's Got Talent and earn a packet. Isn't fraud brilliant?

Why Overplay Is The Greatest Musical Sin

Having listened to 'Fast Fuse' by Kasabian already today as I was watching the slightly less boring than usual tennis; I couldn't possibly listen to it again for at least another 24 hours.

It may sound like I'm the ambassador of the OCD Members' Society, but I cannot bear to listen to the same song more than once a day. It's like the thought of having two bowls of cereal a day, it's just not right.

This 'rule' of which I must obey is to avoid the greatest musical sin: overplay.

Music is like prostitutes. Good the first time, but they slowly deteriorate for whatever reason with excess use.

It's the same with films as well, watch them too often and the appeal is just lost. Like visiting the same holiday destination year after year; like eating the same meals day after day; like being an accountant. Life can easily become monotone and quite boring, look at John Prescott for proof.

If the same song is replayed often it must be popular for whatever reason. Lets take 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon for example. A good song, but it was regurgitated more than a bulimic's dinner by constant overplay.

The song now has over 37 million YouTube hits. This is simply far too many and the song has now lost any musical novelty and has almost became a cliche. The band have even been quoted saying that they don't like the album 'Only by the Night' anymore, due to the constant playing of the singles. Turn on the radio and within minutes I think you could find a station playing 'Sex on Fire' or 'Use Somebody'.

This is why I'm happy that my favourite songs aren't in the charts.

My favourite tracks include 'Making Up Numbers'; 'Veiled in Grey' and 'Shake Me Down'. You may not have heard of any of them, and that's brilliant, because that means the radio probably hasn't either.

I am sort of grateful now that chart music is full of talentless rubbish that makes my ears bleed because never mind how much I hear it, it can't get any worse.

I'll go back to my prostitute analogy and represent this with a disabled hooker whose face has been burnt off with a blow torch. Never mind how much they're used, it can't really get any worse.

In comparison, I'm glad my Indie Swedish pornstar with long blond locks and double Ds isn't in the charts. That way she won't deteriorate with time and be thrown on the music scrapheap of 'heard that, incredibly repetitive, got the t-shirt'.

I feel for bands such as Kings of Leon, Arctic Monkeys and the likes, because they've been punished for making great records because they've been ruined by DJs with the musical variety of a Spandau Ballet tribute band.

In short, to keep your favourite songs your favourite: never listen to the radio and never listen to your ipod. Keep the songs in a little safe box and revisit them every few months as a treat, like a bottle of vintage Rose.

During the mean time, I've only got 21 hours and 36 minutes until the one day deadline has passed and I can listen to Kasabian again. Tic. Toc...