How I've Been Put Off Parenting For Life

Recently, I've been given the shock of my life and realised through the medium of frustration and fear that being a parent would be the most painful experience imaginable. How? By watching a few episodes of Outnumbered.

Although previously I was never really considering becoming a parent anytime soon and at no point did it look easy; my feelings on parenthood have now gone into a stage of depression and will take plenty of rehabilitation. At least 20 years.

Although Outnumbered is an excellent sitcom displaying the everyday hardships of a modern day family, it does have its down sides. How can this make parenting appealing to anyone?

Don't get me wrong, I love the show. I think that the children particularly are hilarious, especially Karen and Ben, whose incredibly pedantic approach to life makes even the simplest of tasks almost impossible. The older child though, Jake, seems less annoying to me and more boring. He should be kicked off the show immediately on the grounds of not being a total immature gimp and making children seem slightly tolerable.

If at any point in my life I'm stuck with a monster of a seven year old boy like Ben, I will be caused to kill someone. Either myself or the child.

I'm not joking (sort of) because everything that child does in any of the episodes is just plain annoyance and this is credit to the actor I suppose. A good sitcom should be judged by the genuine emotions it brings out of the reader and during one episode of Ben's actions alone, I experienced anger, frustration, depression and near insanity. Near, not total.

The reaction's of the parents is also brilliant as I'm sure parents across the nation watching the show will nod in approval of how typically painful the lives of the parents are. This is extremely realistic, I know this because I can remember my parents' reactions to me as a child, and they were generally in frustration. And to be fair I wasn't even a particularly bad child, just an annoying little bugger.

Although the show gave me great entertainment, it did become painful to watch after about three episodes due to the aforementioned sins against the basic human right of not being driven into suicidal mode by hyper lunatics (that, by the way, still isn't a 100% official human right just yet).

That got me thinking into how we could manage the problem as a nation, and I gained inspiration from China's 'one baby policy' whereby each couple can only have one child each.

This turned out to be unsustainable for many reasons, yet I have made an advance on the policy to make it utterly sustainable. Change it to a no child policy!

I'm sure you'll agree, that this is a flawless plan and literally nothing can go wrong.

If no children are being born, then the population is decreasing. People are always moaning about how an exponential increase in population is leading to a lack of resources and higher pollution levels amongst other things, my new theory of a solution would solve this problem majorly.

Secondly, a criticism of China's idea was that only boys were in demand as children because they could continue the family name and gain better jobs; leaving numerous baby girls abandoned, aborted or put up for adoption. This problem would also be avoided with my 'no child plan' as there would be no children to choose from, so no body is aborted or left homeless to die. This will no doubt keep the Samaritans happy and in favour of my idea.

A third advantage, amongst the infinite number of plus points, is that adults can actually life their own lives without worrying about children.

They're always complaining about how much better their lives would be in the absence of chidren, well this is their chance to prove it by spending their hard earned cash on themselves and themselves only, they might even find time to donate some to charity.

I don't know what my parents were like before the hand children because, well I wasn't born; and I don't want to ask them in case they realise that actually their lives back them were far more interesting and end up kicking me out as a result.

Yet I imagine they had far more freedom and spare cash to treat themselves with.

Actually, on second thoughts, with no children to spend money on, I imagine my Dad put all his money in a 10,000% interest ISA which can't be touched for a million years until it 'matures'. This may seem utterly pointless, yet it would provide an income for any aliens that plan to invade earth after we are gone.

So I have proved that by not having any children, Britain can save the world, potentially. Population increase would disappear along with all its problems; less children will be abandoned and lastly we'll save little baby aliens that hatch on earth in a million years time. If that's not sustainable planning, I don't know what is.

That, in a nutshell, is why I will never ever be Prime Minister.

That and the fact I'm not an ugly, middle aged fat ogre like previous Prime Ministers, such as Margaret Thatcher.

Why Overplay Is The Greatest Musical Sin

Having listened to 'Fast Fuse' by Kasabian already today as I was watching the slightly less boring than usual tennis; I couldn't possibly listen to it again for at least another 24 hours.

It may sound like I'm the ambassador of the OCD Members' Society, but I cannot bear to listen to the same song more than once a day. It's like the thought of having two bowls of cereal a day, it's just not right.

This 'rule' of which I must obey is to avoid the greatest musical sin: overplay.

Music is like prostitutes. Good the first time, but they slowly deteriorate for whatever reason with excess use.

It's the same with films as well, watch them too often and the appeal is just lost. Like visiting the same holiday destination year after year; like eating the same meals day after day; like being an accountant. Life can easily become monotone and quite boring, look at John Prescott for proof.

If the same song is replayed often it must be popular for whatever reason. Lets take 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon for example. A good song, but it was regurgitated more than a bulimic's dinner by constant overplay.

The song now has over 37 million YouTube hits. This is simply far too many and the song has now lost any musical novelty and has almost became a cliche. The band have even been quoted saying that they don't like the album 'Only by the Night' anymore, due to the constant playing of the singles. Turn on the radio and within minutes I think you could find a station playing 'Sex on Fire' or 'Use Somebody'.

This is why I'm happy that my favourite songs aren't in the charts.

My favourite tracks include 'Making Up Numbers'; 'Veiled in Grey' and 'Shake Me Down'. You may not have heard of any of them, and that's brilliant, because that means the radio probably hasn't either.

I am sort of grateful now that chart music is full of talentless rubbish that makes my ears bleed because never mind how much I hear it, it can't get any worse.

I'll go back to my prostitute analogy and represent this with a disabled hooker whose face has been burnt off with a blow torch. Never mind how much they're used, it can't really get any worse.

In comparison, I'm glad my Indie Swedish pornstar with long blond locks and double Ds isn't in the charts. That way she won't deteriorate with time and be thrown on the music scrapheap of 'heard that, incredibly repetitive, got the t-shirt'.

I feel for bands such as Kings of Leon, Arctic Monkeys and the likes, because they've been punished for making great records because they've been ruined by DJs with the musical variety of a Spandau Ballet tribute band.

In short, to keep your favourite songs your favourite: never listen to the radio and never listen to your ipod. Keep the songs in a little safe box and revisit them every few months as a treat, like a bottle of vintage Rose.

During the mean time, I've only got 21 hours and 36 minutes until the one day deadline has passed and I can listen to Kasabian again. Tic. Toc...

Why Glastonbury Should Be A Total Waste of Time

Glastonbury Festival marks the start of festival season, so grab your tents and wellies and get ready for a spot of camping.

Music festivals are undoubtedly great fun and provide on-a-budget teens with an alternative to jetting off to Ibiza and driving themselves into more debt. What's not to love?

Yet try explaining to an alien who's never heard of Glastonbury before the attractions of a music festival, and you'd sound like an idiot.

First of all: camping.

Camping, whichever way you look at it, isn't fun. If it was, we'd all live in tents and Millets would be the richest company on earth. It isn't, so it's not.

On holiday, you can enjoy the luxuries of a hotel, apartment or villa and spend time sunbathing by the pool, it's easy to teach an alien the attractions of this; yet crapping in a bucket and walking knee deep in mud with a tent to sleep in that's as comfortable as being stabbed; that sounds less luxurious to me.

And it doesn't end there, at each music festival, people come away with not only muddy wellies and a wet tent, but with the shame that in a drunken jamming session with an acoustic guitar (or even worse, a ukulele) you have singlehandedly ruined a classic. Wonderwall by Oasis is a regular victim.

People also say, 'It'll be great to meet new people.' Yet the people you meet are usually drug addicts that pray to a God called Kurt Cobain and the prophet Pete Doherty. Most of them are idiots frankly, that waste their money on crack and throw their piss filled bags into the crowd, where they invariably land on your head.

If, by any chance you meet people that you don't class as idiots, then leave immediately. You are the idiot.

The worst by far though, is the hippies.

The usually tranquil settings of the Cotwolds and Somerset are invaded by the thieving little gypos every year, and residents spend the rest of the year clearing up after the mess the greasy inbreds make; call me stereotypical but have you ever met a classy gypo? No, you haven't, because they don't exist.

"I don't want to play Glastonbury on the Sunday night in the pouring rain, which is what The Who did last year. I was watching it on the telly, and my kids were there. I'm on the phone saying 'it's awful'. The said it was really fun, but it didn't look fun to me." Mick Jagger

I reiterate my previous point of how unappealing music festivals should be, yet they're not all bad obviously hence why people spend so much money going back year after year.

The thrill of seeing your favourite band and yelling at the top of your voice is obviously an attractive one, even if you look like an idiot. This doesn't matter though because, as previously stated, you're surrounded by idiots, so nobody really cares.

Seeing the likes of Oasis, Led Zeppelin or Blur must leave the crowd speechless and in awe, like a religious experience, only real obviously.

Despite the downsides, music festivals are here to stay it would seem.

So get yourself down to Millets, purchase a ukulele and join in with the spirit, even buy a Volkswagen camper and grow dreadlocks if you really want. Just don't become a gypo, there's enough already.

Looking forward to it?

Why the Queen is to Blame For Global Warming

Recently my whole daily routine was thrown into a planet unknown. Now it's the summer, I usually get up at about midday and fail to sleep until the early hours, this may be alien thought to many people who know what the 'morning' is. Personally, I've forgotten.

Last Thursday, I got up earlier than usual, only an important event such as Geography revision yielded such respect to interrupt my lie in. Anyway, to my shock and disbelief, I found that my house had lost power totally.

This was probably due to some electrician deciding that his monotone job of staring at light bulbs and overcharging middle aged women for poking a fuse box was starting to get boring. To make his day more exciting, he'd dig a hole in the middle of my road, as a result killing all electricity flow. Joy.

This made me sympathize with the electrician, I was equally as bored as he always is because I had nothing to do.

Literally, I imagine watching a game of cricket would be more fun than staring at all these wonderful appliances I'm so used to using whenever I pleased, yet realizing that none of them work.

Yet it wasn't just entertainment that was difficult, oh no. The inconsiderate man had also tampered with routine, I had no energy to heat water to have a shower and none to make a morning brew either. This was meddling with a man's basic human rights.

I had to improvise of course. Firstly, I couldn't wash my hair in the shower because I had no hot water, and I wasn't going to turn myself into a massive block of ice by risking the sub zero shower. I wouldn't want to give the electrician the satisfaction.

So I decided to put the shampoo in my hair, then stick my head under a tap, that way only my head would be cold. Not an ideal scenario, but beggars can't be choosers, can they?

There I was, feeling all smug and satisfied that I'd hurdled another daily obstacle. Yet I was stood half naked in my bathroom with my hair dripping yet, and only then did it occur to me that my hairdryer wouldn't work. Great.

This process of one problem solved leading to another problem carried on throughout the morning, which I wasn't too happy about.

I was staring at my computer wishing it would just work, how could I go more than three hours without checking my Facebook? I hear you ask...

The whole morning got me thinking about what it must be like to live as a caveman without electricity, or in Stoke-on-Trent where it's yet to be discovered. It made me realise what a hard life these unfortunate people must have lived.

This is why I hate all this 'global warming' paranoia, and I'll explain why.

Above: Bill Oddie's Biggest Threat

Narrow minded people, such as Jeremy Clarkson and the Queen; that only think about cars and how long it is until butler brings another pot of tea, respectively, use an awful lot of energy without much of a thought for global warming.

Cars are being blamed as the greatest CO2 emitters, and as I found out, even fundamental basic jobs like making tea uses up energy and therefore fossil fuels.

Personally, I disagree with the views of people like Jeremy and Queeny who are ignorant and can't see the damage they're doing, yet I disagree with people like Bill Oddie more.

The Devil, in human form

I'm sure if David Attenbrough and that pesky electrician could have watched me struggle to towel dry my hair last Thursday due to my absence of electricity, they'd both snigger in great satisfaction at my misfortune.

Other narrow minded people, like the two aforementioned naturists, sorry naturalists; that believe that the only way to save the planet is to live like cavemen, or Stokies, are incarnations of the devil.

They think that the only sustainable way of living on earth is to abandon our great advances in technology and live lifes with no consumption of energy at all. I lived a morning in this manor and let me tell you, it isn't fun.

For instance, the only two devices of entertainment I had were my ipod and mobile phone. These were only available to me because they'd been previously charged up with electricity. I'd have been more bored than Jack Osbourne in the house of commons without those two saviors.

If Bill Oddie had his way, I'd live this way all the time; my carbon footprint would be lower than the average IQ of a Yorkshire farmer and my entertainment levels would be equal to a tree's.

My point is, we should embrace our technology. We have cars that can go 200 mph, why not use them? We have great sources of entertainment like the ipod and computer, why not use them?

If saving the planet means going back to an electricity free era where humans merely exist and don't live, it isn't my idea of fun. I'm sure my grandchildren would gladly die due to global warming if they know it means I get access to a kettle and a hairdryer.

This my friends, is why global warming should be treated as nothing more than a light hearted bit of government banter. Drive your Range Rovers and dry your hair as often as possible with a warm hearted feeling that you're really doing Bill Oddie's head in.

If you really want to make yourself useful, make a kettle that runs off solar energy, this way the Queen's reputation as the 'earth killer' can be shaken off easily.

Meanwhile, I'm typing this whilst knowing I'm paying the wages of that scummy electrician with every minute's worth of electricity I use. Time to switch suppliers I reckon.

The Meaning of Life

Monty Python once claimed the 'Meaning of Life' to be 42. As convincing as their argument was, I'm not totally sure of its accuracy and decided to search long and hard into the depths of my head and find what everyone's looking for: The meaning of life.

I can't claim to be totally correct, but I can't be too far away with my years worth of evidence.

Many perceive the meaning of life to be something close to heart, religious or linked with fate. All of these claims are incorrect.

Firstly, religion is a myth; it's common knowledge that religion is a human's way of dealing with occurrences it can't comprehend. Therefore we aren't put on earth to please or to honour God, we shouldn't be brainwashed into living a certain way by a mythical being, if we should then who wouldn't live in honour of Bob the Builder or Postman Pat?

Fate is the belief that everything was meant to be, and us as humans have no control over our destiny or actions because everything was planned to happen how it is. This again isn't true as this would eliminate life's meaning. Fate, like religion, is a way of reassuring the mind of potential reasons why things happen to relieve a lack of control. Who decides fate? Why does fate exist? Is our life mapped out in the stars? Does anyone really care? Can someone also explain to me how the Holocaust or World Wars were fate?

So the meaning of life must be something obvious right? Well possibly, a man (or woman) is put on earth to live, reproduce and die. Therefore can those that don't have offspring consider themselves failures? Who knows, yet this is the only pattern that links all animals on earth. So maybe we can conclude that the whole point of the human race is to survive, to live on, to reproduce and not die out. Yet we won't live forever...

I feel, life isn't about merely existing, as anyone can do that. A man that makes no mistakes yet doesn't achieve anything would have just as much meaning to his life as a life saver or a revolutionist who changes the world.

The meaning of your life is determined by what you achieve, a Fireman that saves people's life's everyday or the man that one day find the cure to cancer will have far more meaning to their life than a serial killer or a rapist.

This means you are judged by what you achieve rather than just merely existing, as Kurt Cobain once said "It's better to burn out than fade away." Meaning it's better to achieve whilst you are on earth rather than just be there.

So you can live in a way that would honour a metaphoric God, claim love at first sight or just live to be happy; yet no matter what you do, you live to achieve.

So I would argue that the meaning of life is achievement. Imagine a world with no life, just nature. This would be a pointless world as nothing has been achieved, just vast nothingness. The world may die one day, we may burn ourselves to extinction yet at least we'd have achieved something whilst we are here, as it's better to burn out that to fade away.

Therefore the meaning of one's life is a personal thing, nobody can truly define somebody else's meaning of life because everyone's achievements and ambitions are personal. Nobody can tell you what you dream about at night, so if you dream of flying, then the meaning of your life is flying. If you dream of winning, the meaning of your life is winning. If you dream of frogs...

So I have unraveled the meaning of life and succeeded where many others before me have failed, therefore I claim that the meaning of the last 30 minutes of my life was finding the meaning of my life.

Oh how the mind boggles, so the meaning of life appears to be ambition and achievement, which are changing all the time. Therefore the meaning of life is changing all the time and is impossible to detect...

My World Cup Review

Amid the Jabulani, Bofana Bofana, Vuvuzelas and awful commentators, believe it or not, there was actually a World Cup going on...

And what a great World Cup it was, there were many surprises, spectacular failures and controversy, making South Africa 2010 as good as any other tournament I can remember, we had Italy and France crashing out, more rows, particularly from the Les Blues, phantom goals, choreographed goal celebrations and those bloody vuvuzelas, here are my highs and lows aswell as how my predictions went.

Highs

African Nations,

Ever since that opening game in Soccer City on June 11th, the scene was set, South Africa were everyone's second favourite nation, with every neutral willing them to do well, and alot of football fans wanted an African team to go far, with the tournament being held in Africa, and many strong African teams taking part, many thought this would be the year. And it was, well, we didn't get an an African winner, but South Africa won everyone's hearts if not a place in the second round, 'Tshabalala' was the name on everyone's lips after that screamer against Mexico, and they became very popular after a victory over the French. Ivory Coast were expected to do the best of the six African nations on show, but in a tough group, they fell to Brazil and could only draw to Portugal, meaning a last game win over Korea DPR was meaningless, so Drogba and co went home earlier than planned. Nigeria were also sent packing after the group stages after a poor three games, after a slow start against Argentina, they then threw away a lead against Greece and ended up losing 2-1 to an average Greek side, they then went into the final game against South Korea needing a win, Yakubu's horror miss meant they only drew 2-2 and crashed out prompting a thread of a two year football ban for the nation from their government, it was later dropped. Algeria earned a point against England, but were very disappointing, and despite Samuel Eto'o, Cameroon went out without a single point, meaning that the most successful Africans were Ghana. Lead by the impressive Asamoah Gyan, they managed a win and a draw to finish second behind the impressive Germany, many thought this would make them England's opponents, after England's poor showing however, Ghana faced the USA in the second round, and managed a 2-1 extra time win, with Gyan bagging the winner. The Quarter-final with Uruguay was painful for Ghana, with the score tied at 1-1 in the 120th minute, Luis Suarez handled blatantly on the line, handing Asamoah Gyan the chance to fire them into the semi's from the spot, he hit the bar, and the Uruguayans managed to win on penalties, it was cruel for Ghana, but their success was a success for football.

'Tika Taka'

The highly inventive name of the Spanish's beautiful brand of football, that flowed brilliantly, and graced the tournament with flair and breath-taking football. The phrase 'tika taka' means a fluid, short passing system that allows players to have total freedom and creates new football onomatopoeia. When a player such as Fabregas, Arsenal's star player, can only make the bench, you know that this Spanish team are something special, and were worthy winners of the World's greatest prize, with such a strong spine to the team, and with every player truly gifted with a ball at their feet, Spain were a team of geniuses, other teams had the odd one, Germany had Ozil, Holland had Sneijder, Argentina had Messi and England had Heskey, but no team had a collective footballing brilliance like Spain had, and their victory was brilliant fro the sport, as it proves that beautiful football can be winning football. With Casillas, Puyol, Pique, Alonso, Xavi, Iniesta, and Villa, Spain had a dream team. England flopped when one of their stars (Rooney) turned up unfit and out of form, Spain still looked amazing with one of theirs (Torres) in the same situation. You look forward to seeing this Spanish side for many years to come, and if the Spanish La Liga is like that every week, then it's every bit as good as the English Premier League

El Diego

What can I say about him? Well Forlan (see my 'Football Legends' blog post), along with Pique, showed that he was the 'one that got away' from Fergie at Man Utd, and showed the potential that made United fork out the money for him. Forlan was immense, and even won the Golden Ball after almost single handedly taking Uruguay to the semi's. Everything about just said 'quality.' His trademark head band, his confidence from any distance and set piece dominance made him a constant threat, as shown by his five goals in South Africa, including corkers against Ghana and Germany. Expect a big summer move from Atletico Madrid, hopefully to the Premier League, is Wigan too optimistic?


My Bets

I managed to make the World Cup a profitable event aswell as an entertaining one, with a few small bets on the outcome of the finals, I managed to bag myself £32, shared with a sister who claimed half the winnings, despite not contributing much to the bets, besides half the money that is. I had bets on a Holland vs Spain final, to my joy that turned out to be correct, I had money on a Holland victory, and money on a Spain win, so the final was a win win situation for me, I also had bets on Miroslav Klose being top scorer at 33/1 and England to reach the semi's, okay, the latter didn't happen, but Klose was only 1 goal off top scorer and had me excited at one point, but that didn't happen either, his teammate Thomas Muller bagged that prize with 5 quality goals, I wonder what odds he was at?

However, there's two sides to every coin, so here are my World Cup Lows

The great disappointment /la grande déception/ la grande delusione

2010  was the year of European failures, being English, we should come to expect failure by now, but it's how we expect to do well at every tournament, how 'this year is our year' but I thought that was the case in 2006, and 2004, and 2002, and 2000... At least we're not alone, as I predicted (tongue in cheek as we speak) Italy were poor, and France were even worse, all three teams have alot of talent, and one paper are great teams. But if football has taught me one thing, it's to never judge a team on paper, as the game isn't played on paper, otherwise "I'd just fax them a 1-0 defeat" (Paul Jewell, 2007) The Italians though, will be the most angered, going into the tournament as holders, they seemed to lack passion, leading to their group stage exit, even New Zealand finished above them! Hang your heads in shame. France were a disgrace, but we should expect at every tournament a huge fallout, think Davids and Kluivert, McCarthy and Keane and so on. The french, admittedly were held back by a terrible manager, but the players should take some blame too, Patrice Evra, as captain, should be setting a better example to the rest of the team than falling out with one of the coaches, the lack of harmony showed on the pitch and the crashed out with just one goal and one point. I feel alot better having typed that, it makes England's tournament look a great success. Let's be honest, we should have reached the semi's, if we'd topped our group, we'd have faced Ghana then Uruguay, but ifs are useless. We flopped majorly, Gerrard on the left, Rob Green's butter fingers, Heskey's lack of firepower, Capello's very strict attitude, Rooney's fitness, Lampard's phantom goal, Upon and Terry's partnership, I could go on...


The Final

The only real success of the final was that Spain won and a great player scored the winner, besides that, it was poor, this was no fault of Spain's, but due to Holland's match spoiling tactics and foul play. It was clear to see from the off what the game plan was, kick Spain and stop them from playing, Van Bommell, lucky not to have been sent off in every game so far, was reckless, even Sneijder was uncharacteristically dirty and De Jong thought he was Jackie Chan for a brief moment, and yet only saw yellow. Holland could easily have won the game, their dangerman Arjen Robben went clean through twice, and was thwarted by Casillas on both occasions, had he scored either chance, Holland probably would have won, unfairly. The first half was one of few chances, but many yellows, Holland should have been down to at most 9, and the Spanish must have been fearful of their footballing careers being cut short due to injury, oh and there was that idiot 'Jimmy Jump' who decided it would be funny to run on the pitch before kick off, why isn't this guy banned from all stadiums? The second half was an improvement, with more chances and less cards, but no goals, the half hour of extra time was far more entertaining an both teams could have scored at least twice, Holland were eventually down to 10, when Everton's Johnny Heitinja gave referee Howard Webb no choice but to show a red, the moment of the game game when Iniesta came up with a glimpse of magic to seal the game, a bright moment of a dark final.

The Theatrics

This has been an issue for a while, drama queens. Whilst alot of the time the divers are fouled, they roll about on the floor as if they've been shot, clutching their knee and rolling around in apparent agony, only to be on their feet taking the free-kick seconds later, they really do defy human logic. Either that, or they're just terrible actors. There were many culprits, I don't have time to name them all, there was Ramos, Robben (he's a master at it) Drogba, Capdevila, but the one that annoyed me most was Brazil's Lucio. He's 6 foot 4, built like a tank, yet still rolls on the floor and cries like a baby, why? You've won the free kick, get on and take it, I don't pay a TV license to see you rolling around on the floor! Rant Over!! 

My Predictions

In one of my previous Blog posts, 'My Guide to World Cup 2010' I made some predictions on the following things, how many did I get right?


Favourites


Spain, and they won aswell, which I have to admit I didn't predict, the favourites aren't supposed to win are they? It spoils the plot, New Zealand would have been a more popular winner, but unfortunately, the World Cup isn't a soap or movie, no points for that one.


Underdogs


Germany, well I think we can agree I got that one right, 'never underestimate the Germans' is a well used phrase, and judging by this tournament, it isn't past it's sell by date just yet. A very impressive performance by the Germans, resulting in a third place finishing, Muller, Ozil and Schweinsteiger particularly impressed, aswell as old heads Klose and Mertesacker, even without talisman Ballack, the Germans were fearful. One point for that one.


Spectacular Failures


I knew there'd be one, I said Portugal and Italy, with Italy being correct I think I can claim half a point for that one. They came bottom of their group and never looked like the side that blew us away four years ago, I was relying on Ivory Coast to come up trumps and Ronaldo to spark a row for Portugal to claim this prize, they did make it to the second round, but crashed out to arch rivals Spain. The greatest Spectacular failures award has to go to France however, the biggest sulkers and worst manager to go with a talented set of players, would England take the bronze medal? Half a point for that one.


Lose all three group games


I predicted Korea DPR and New Zealand, the Kiwi's shocked me aswell as many others by coming home with no defeats, but three draws meant a creditable third place finish and avoided this award if I edit this award to 'Draw all three group games' would I get the point? Korea DPR claim me half a point, which is half a point more than they accumulated, losing creditably 2-1 to Brazil, but then getting smashed 7-0 by Ronaldo and co, before losing to Ivory Coast, at least at home they'll have no idea it ever happened. Joint winners of this prize are Korea DPR and Cameroon. Half a point there.


Top Scorer


My tip was David Villa, although I did have a few quid on Miroslav Klose to bring home the Golden Boot, he was one off with four. David Villa, to mine and his credit, finished with as joint top scorer with five goals, but Thomas Muller pipped him to the title as he claimed more assists. No points there for me unfortunately, but I'm sure Villa won't mind too much, winning the cup itself and being one of the tournament's star players won't go down too badly, he can now enjoy a season at the Nou Camp following a big money move from Valencia.


The High Class Flop

The credit of winning this unfortunate award has to be shared between Wayne Rooney and Fernando Torres, admittedly both were unfit, but also out of sorts, both came home goalless, but Torres came home with the biggest prize, while Rooney came home to millions of unhappy fans, it's an interesting game of 'spot the difference.' My tip of Mario Gomez wasn't high class enough to win, but he was certaintly a flop. No points here.


Overall: 2/6, a poor score for myself I'm afraid, looks like I'll have to book up my ideas for the Premier League predictions, join me in August for that.

So, after all the goals, refereeing decision and controversy, the last vuvuzela has been blown, the countdown now begins for Brazil 2014, when we'll do it all over again, maybe that will be England's year...

Top 90's Tunes

Okay, I may have been born in 1995, making my arrival too late to be considered a 90's kid as I hardly remember the 90's, never mind claim I grew up then, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the top music that came out of the era that was the 90's.

In an era where Playstation was born, Tamagotchi's ruled supreme and 'Girl Power' was the motto, music had alot to live up to following the 80's, but with bands like Nirvana, U2, Oasis and Take That, plus solo artists like Britney, Kylie and Robbie, music in the 90's didn't fail to meet the public's high standards, and, unlike today, the charts were filled with top stuff. So after asking for the opinion of friends, and after scanning we7 and Wikipedia from top to bottom, here's my favourites...

15. Faithless- Insomnia, this is one of those classics, with few lyrics and a laid back style to the song, Insomnia was just one of dance god's Faithless' hits and was first released in 1995, with the original being nearly 11 minutes in length. The radio edit was cut down to just 3:34 thankfully, as never how good a song is, it is vulnerable to being over played and after just one song of 11 minutes it'd get boring, a top tune though that kicks off my top 15.

14. The Verve- Bitter Sweet Symphony, when it hit the charts in 1997, Bitter Sweet Symphony was seen as as Wigan based 'The Verve's' biggest hit and peaked at #2 and it's album 'Urban Hymns' The violin rift makes this song unique and notable, meaning this song will be a timeless classic, well worthy of it's placing at 14.

13. Cornershop- Brimful of Asha, a catchy tune released in 1997 and remixed by 'Fatboy Slim', the later's chart position was significantly higher than the original, reaching #1 in 1998, but I still prefer the original, basically for it's originality (surprisingly) and acoustic feel. The song was written in tribute to Indian singer Asha Bhosle, any coincidence that it was sang by a group called 'Cornershop?'

12. Foo Fighters- Everlong, in all Foo Fighter's long career, I don't think they've eclipsed 'Everlong' a rock masterclass from the dawn of summer 1997, of which I have to say I've mastered on Guitar Hero, and I have to admit it's the first time I've encountered the song, shameful I know. After being brought up in pop music, as reflected by my higher listed songs, I'd never came across 'Everlong' until 'Guitar Hero World Tour', and ever since, it's been a favourite of the time.

11. Westlife- Flying Without Wing, unlike the above songs, I actually remember listening to this song in the 90's, rather than just appreciating it in the next decade. With my sister being obsessed with Westlife at the time, it would have been a crime not to include the Irish pop geniuses, and after finding out 'Uptown Girl' was released in 2001, this was my automatic replacement. This song has a unique feel to it, a classic. The amount of times you've heard the expression 'Flying without wings' in real life is untrue and a tribute to Westlife, who's newer material I have to say just isn't the same. 

10. The Goo Goo Dolls- Iris, a typical example of a song that you can't put a name to, but after recommendation from a friend (who remains unnamed) this was a certain for the top 10, why isn't music like this anymore?

9. Nirvana- Smells Like Teen Spirit, any guitarist will be appreciative of this classic piece, a little too shouty for my liking, but just imagine sweating your head off in a sweaty gig, shouting your face off to this little beauty. Classic.

8. MC Hammer- Can't Touch This, two words. Ultimate tune. Everyone must have done this at some time, during an awkward silence shouting, Stop! Hammer time! If you haven't, please do so soon, it's a brilliant laugh, and everyone is guaranteed to sing 'Can't Touch This'

7. Robbie Williams- No Regrets, a personal favourite, and anyone who doesn't like Robbie deserves a long lesson in music, ignore his drug addictions, and personal troubles and listen to the music. This song is also very personal to Robbie as he wrote it himself about his feelings after leaving boy band Take That, as the last line say 'I guess the love we once had is officially. Dead'

6. Blur- Track 2, a typical feel good track if there ever was one, during the pop battle with Oasis in the 90's which I wish I was old enough to remember) Blur released this to turn many to 'the dark side' in the battle, my opinions on the battle remain private...

5. Oasis- Masterplan, ...until now, there was really only one winner wasn't there? The charisma, brilliant songs and all round legendaryness of Oasis makes them the best band of the 90's for me, and 'Masterplan' was a great example of why, an eye opener to all the 'music' in the charts today, of which there is none.

4. Take That- Back For Good, now this is a song that everybody knows, sings along to and takes them back. After Robbie Williams' departure from Take That, could they return with anything good? The answer was a resounding 'Yes' and this is a timeless classic. Also a good song to sing at very amusing yet insensitive moments...

3. Eiffel 65- I'm Blue, some may say this is one of the most annoying songs of all time. Most however, will agree with me and say that actually, it's a brilliant feel good anthem written by Italian group Eiffel 65, which was their only song of note, by what a song it is, a great song to end the decade.

2. Wet Wet Wet- Love is all Around, another beautifully sensitive song when sung well, and Wet Wet Wet's cover of the song, originally performed by 'The Troggs' is my favourite simply for it's beautiful tone, this version was sang as the soundtrack for the movie 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' and is a notable song with famous lyrics, one of my all time favourites.

1. U2- Beautiful Day, I never actually realised that this song was a 90's hit, I, wrongly, thought it was a 'naughties hit' it was an automatic number one for my list. This song conjures up images of  a summer's day without a cloud in the sky, a 'Beautiful Day' and the ultimate feel good song. A worthy number one for me.