Why the Queen is to Blame For Global Warming

Recently my whole daily routine was thrown into a planet unknown. Now it's the summer, I usually get up at about midday and fail to sleep until the early hours, this may be alien thought to many people who know what the 'morning' is. Personally, I've forgotten.

Last Thursday, I got up earlier than usual, only an important event such as Geography revision yielded such respect to interrupt my lie in. Anyway, to my shock and disbelief, I found that my house had lost power totally.

This was probably due to some electrician deciding that his monotone job of staring at light bulbs and overcharging middle aged women for poking a fuse box was starting to get boring. To make his day more exciting, he'd dig a hole in the middle of my road, as a result killing all electricity flow. Joy.

This made me sympathize with the electrician, I was equally as bored as he always is because I had nothing to do.

Literally, I imagine watching a game of cricket would be more fun than staring at all these wonderful appliances I'm so used to using whenever I pleased, yet realizing that none of them work.

Yet it wasn't just entertainment that was difficult, oh no. The inconsiderate man had also tampered with routine, I had no energy to heat water to have a shower and none to make a morning brew either. This was meddling with a man's basic human rights.

I had to improvise of course. Firstly, I couldn't wash my hair in the shower because I had no hot water, and I wasn't going to turn myself into a massive block of ice by risking the sub zero shower. I wouldn't want to give the electrician the satisfaction.

So I decided to put the shampoo in my hair, then stick my head under a tap, that way only my head would be cold. Not an ideal scenario, but beggars can't be choosers, can they?

There I was, feeling all smug and satisfied that I'd hurdled another daily obstacle. Yet I was stood half naked in my bathroom with my hair dripping yet, and only then did it occur to me that my hairdryer wouldn't work. Great.

This process of one problem solved leading to another problem carried on throughout the morning, which I wasn't too happy about.

I was staring at my computer wishing it would just work, how could I go more than three hours without checking my Facebook? I hear you ask...

The whole morning got me thinking about what it must be like to live as a caveman without electricity, or in Stoke-on-Trent where it's yet to be discovered. It made me realise what a hard life these unfortunate people must have lived.

This is why I hate all this 'global warming' paranoia, and I'll explain why.

Above: Bill Oddie's Biggest Threat

Narrow minded people, such as Jeremy Clarkson and the Queen; that only think about cars and how long it is until butler brings another pot of tea, respectively, use an awful lot of energy without much of a thought for global warming.

Cars are being blamed as the greatest CO2 emitters, and as I found out, even fundamental basic jobs like making tea uses up energy and therefore fossil fuels.

Personally, I disagree with the views of people like Jeremy and Queeny who are ignorant and can't see the damage they're doing, yet I disagree with people like Bill Oddie more.

The Devil, in human form

I'm sure if David Attenbrough and that pesky electrician could have watched me struggle to towel dry my hair last Thursday due to my absence of electricity, they'd both snigger in great satisfaction at my misfortune.

Other narrow minded people, like the two aforementioned naturists, sorry naturalists; that believe that the only way to save the planet is to live like cavemen, or Stokies, are incarnations of the devil.

They think that the only sustainable way of living on earth is to abandon our great advances in technology and live lifes with no consumption of energy at all. I lived a morning in this manor and let me tell you, it isn't fun.

For instance, the only two devices of entertainment I had were my ipod and mobile phone. These were only available to me because they'd been previously charged up with electricity. I'd have been more bored than Jack Osbourne in the house of commons without those two saviors.

If Bill Oddie had his way, I'd live this way all the time; my carbon footprint would be lower than the average IQ of a Yorkshire farmer and my entertainment levels would be equal to a tree's.

My point is, we should embrace our technology. We have cars that can go 200 mph, why not use them? We have great sources of entertainment like the ipod and computer, why not use them?

If saving the planet means going back to an electricity free era where humans merely exist and don't live, it isn't my idea of fun. I'm sure my grandchildren would gladly die due to global warming if they know it means I get access to a kettle and a hairdryer.

This my friends, is why global warming should be treated as nothing more than a light hearted bit of government banter. Drive your Range Rovers and dry your hair as often as possible with a warm hearted feeling that you're really doing Bill Oddie's head in.

If you really want to make yourself useful, make a kettle that runs off solar energy, this way the Queen's reputation as the 'earth killer' can be shaken off easily.

Meanwhile, I'm typing this whilst knowing I'm paying the wages of that scummy electrician with every minute's worth of electricity I use. Time to switch suppliers I reckon.