Music festivals are undoubtedly great fun and provide on-a-budget teens with an alternative to jetting off to Ibiza and driving themselves into more debt. What's not to love?
Yet try explaining to an alien who's never heard of Glastonbury before the attractions of a music festival, and you'd sound like an idiot.
First of all: camping.
Camping, whichever way you look at it, isn't fun. If it was, we'd all live in tents and Millets would be the richest company on earth. It isn't, so it's not.
On holiday, you can enjoy the luxuries of a hotel, apartment or villa and spend time sunbathing by the pool, it's easy to teach an alien the attractions of this; yet crapping in a bucket and walking knee deep in mud with a tent to sleep in that's as comfortable as being stabbed; that sounds less luxurious to me.
And it doesn't end there, at each music festival, people come away with not only muddy wellies and a wet tent, but with the shame that in a drunken jamming session with an acoustic guitar (or even worse, a ukulele) you have singlehandedly ruined a classic. Wonderwall by Oasis is a regular victim.People also say, 'It'll be great to meet new people.' Yet the people you meet are usually drug addicts that pray to a God called Kurt Cobain and the prophet Pete Doherty. Most of them are idiots frankly, that waste their money on crack and throw their piss filled bags into the crowd, where they invariably land on your head.
If, by any chance you meet people that you don't class as idiots, then leave immediately. You are the idiot.
The worst by far though, is the hippies.
The usually tranquil settings of the Cotwolds and Somerset are invaded by the thieving little gypos every year, and residents spend the rest of the year clearing up after the mess the greasy inbreds make; call me stereotypical but have you ever met a classy gypo? No, you haven't, because they don't exist.
"I don't want to play Glastonbury on the Sunday night in the pouring rain, which is what The Who did last year. I was watching it on the telly, and my kids were there. I'm on the phone saying 'it's awful'. The said it was really fun, but it didn't look fun to me." Mick Jagger
I reiterate my previous point of how unappealing music festivals should be, yet they're not all bad obviously hence why people spend so much money going back year after year.
The thrill of seeing your favourite band and yelling at the top of your voice is obviously an attractive one, even if you look like an idiot. This doesn't matter though because, as previously stated, you're surrounded by idiots, so nobody really cares.
Seeing the likes of Oasis, Led Zeppelin or Blur must leave the crowd speechless and in awe, like a religious experience, only real obviously.
Despite the downsides, music festivals are here to stay it would seem.
So get yourself down to Millets, purchase a ukulele and join in with the spirit, even buy a Volkswagen camper and grow dreadlocks if you really want. Just don't become a gypo, there's enough already.
Looking forward to it?
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