Technically yes, this year it has changed. Simon Cowell has decided that he can't be bothered to judge on his own show which is fast becoming a laughing stock, so he's got some generous friends to do his job for him. I'm sure he'll take the all the money that the show makes though.
The familiar voice of Dermot O'Leary created a warm welcome to what otherwise became a show that did nothing to convince you to watch again.
"The wait is over, and the X-Factor is back" O'Leary proclaimed, thank god the wait is over I thought to myself, thank God. I was disappointed not to hear that 'my Saturday night starts right here' maybe even he realizes that his old catchphrase is a blatant lie and bit of unjustified optimism.
Despite the similarities with previous series, there's changes to the X-Factor this year. The most striking was the judge's choice of transport to the o2 arena.
Ditching their usual flash 4x4s, Walsh and co decided to show off even more than I thought was humanly possible by flying in helicopters to their venue. Is that really necessary? I bet Bill Oddie would have had a fit if he'd been able to get a Freeview box in his badger hole.
In typical X-Factor fashion, everything was dramatized for extra effect. Give the X-Factor directors a video of Louis Walsh opening a packet of crisps and I'm sure with some special effects and over dramatic music, it would have the atmosphere of a Westlife concert.
We had the usual props of fire and explosions to provide an erotic backdrop for the new judges to burst onto the scene, after they'd parachuted out of their helicopters of course.
The whole show had a very generic feel, so much that I had a serious case of deja vu, I swear the same thing happens in every X-Factor audition episode.
Dermot then went about over complimenting the new judges over the incredibly dramatic music, I was convinced at one point that he'd burst out 'Louis, I am your father!' It was that dramatic, it truly was.
The first judge to be introduced was Kelly Rowland, I thought to myself 'Christ, Danni's plastic surgery has gone to a whole new level.' It turned out that Danni Minogue wasn't a victim of the 'MJ effect in reverse' but in fact, she'd just been replaced, because she was crap.
| The new panel in all their glory |
'International pop superstar' and 'Kelly started out alongside Beyonce in Destiny's Child, one of the world's biggest girl bands.' were what O'Leary claimed to be a fair description of Kelly, whether they're true or not is up to opinion, but it's funny how Beyonce is used to show how successful Kelly is.
In comparison to Beyonce, Kelly Rowland's success is like comparing Chesterfield to Manchester United. It could be worse though, at least Kelly gets a mention. You have to feel for ' the other one in Destiny's Child' who doesn't even get a mention because nobody knows who she is. Surely 'one of the world's greatest girl bands' members would be known by most?
Kelly's typically cheap cliche in her VT was "It's hard work to get to the top, and it's harder work to stay there." My reaction to any cliche is, shut up and give me some bloody information which doesn't sound like generic bullshit, and my reaction to Kelly was the same. And Tulisa, and Louis...
The second judge to be introduced was Tulisa from 'biggest hip hop band N-Dubz.' Queue every single viewer cringing to the core and most saying 'who the hell is she?'Hardly a household face, Tulisa had to reassure the viewers that she knew what she was on about, which is very hard. Stating that you're a fan of N-Dubz is basically like admitting you're a former drug addict and have an ASBO, admitting you're part of N-Dubz is like suicide.
As predicted, Tulisa's VT was filled with cliches as well: "I want to bring some fireworks to the judge's table." My immediate reaction to that was that I'm not sure it's too safe to let off fireworks indoors, and the security men might have something to say about it. Then I realised it was just another crappy cliche. Typical X-Factor I suppose.
Tulisa then turned her VT into a laughing stock by admitting to the watching public that she has no life what so ever and had a drastic childhood, basically anyway.
"I've been in N-Dubz since the age of eleven." What a poor soul.
Tulisa then reassured viewers that she has some talent and determination by stating "We have worked our but off to be where we are. We script our videos, we write our songs." Well Done. Do you want a medal?
It's clearly apparent that Tulisa isn't on the panel for her knowledge of music, but simply to replace the sex appeal lost in the absence of Cheryl Cole, as if Louis Walsh wasn't enough...
Speaking of the Irish bombshell, he was next up for O'Leary to drown in pathetic comments.
As usual, the arrival of Louis on the screen could only mean one thing, a Westlife montage was played in the background just to remind us all of his obsession with the Irish; his great mentoring skills and finally, Westlife's fourteen number ones!
Louis' cliche was 'The new panel has given me new energy, it's like I've got new batteries!' I wonder if we take his batteries out he'll shut up?
The viewers then had the pleasure to be filled with a constant supply of bullshit, just like every episode. With Louis proclaiming 'I was the first to spot JLS,' No, correction: you were the only one that got picked out of the hat to mentor them. Another one who deserves a medal there.
The final part of the eccentric quartet is Gary Barlow, who takes the record as the slowest talking human ever. Whenever I hear his name, I have the urge to repeat it in an incredibly slow fashion, verging on the retarded. A bit like Matt Damon on team America.
Dermot put his neck on the line and risked a raging Louis Walsh when he said that Barlow was from 'the biggest boy band on the planet.' I could just imagine Louis storming into the shot screaming 'Fourteen number ones! Fourteen numbers ones! And you still say Take That are bigger then Westlife!?!' Now that, would be good television.Barlow, due to his obsession with speaking like the world's in slow motion, took half an hour to complete his VT. His cringe-worthy cliche was "I'm bringing a ton of experience, and I'm willing to share it with all these people." In what was meant to sound like the inspiring words of Jesus, he actually sounded like Steven Hawking. That sentence took him seven minutes to complete by the way.
As the show went on, it was hard not to notice that Barlow was attempting to replace the brutality lost without Simon a bit too much. He was trying too hard to be harsh and give an exaggerated judgement, which sums up the X-Factor really.
"If I don't think they're good enough, I'll be brutally honest. People's perception of me is about to change" That's probably for the best Gary, anyone that isn't Take That's biggest fan thinks you're a bit of a dweeb.
It wasn't all bad though, after each judge had been introduced, a montage that we see every year was shown. This was filled with even more cliches from talentless contestants which is almost enough to make you want to change channel and watch the cricket, almost.
This two minute video contained clips of people swearing, judges and contestants crying, sudden aggressive outbursts and freeze frames on ugly faces (usually Louis Walsh's).
The funniest moments of the whole show were found during this video, with a contestant saying Tulisa was very rich for saying that she couldn't sing. Who else felt a great deal of satisfaction that common sense had prevailed at that point?
Despite the obvious bullying towards Adele, it was hard not to see the funny side when one contestant claimed she wanted to be 'Bigger than Adele.' What does she want? A free year's supply of McDonald's and Mary Byrne as a dietitian?
It was hard to sit through all the cliches as they kept on coming: 'I want this so much'; 'Music is my life' blah blah blah.
It was incredibly refreshing to hear some truth when amongst these comments, a contestant claimed he wanted to be on the X-Factor, not because music is his life or he wants a new start in life, but because he 'wants to sleep with as many girls as possible.' Well said that man!
Frankie Cocozza provided the audience with a laugh at his sheer arrogance and refreshing tone to accompany his scruffy teenage image, oh and the names of seven girls' names tatooed on his bum. Classy.
He's the kind of contestant viewers either love or hate. At least if you do hate him, you can tell him to stick his microphone right between his Katie and Natasha (up his arse if you were wondering).
Let's hope that Franky is a sign of things to come and the contestants actually have some character and laughability, otherwise, it could be another long series. Let's just hope this series doesn't mark the conception into the music world of another Cher Llloyd, or even worse, Tulisa.
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